My dog and I have a lot in common. We sleep a lot. We don’t talk much.
 We take a lot of medication. We don’t have many companions. We gaze out of the window and ponder life. I should have been a dog.

I distinctly remember bits and pieces of two reoccurring dreams I had as a child.

In the first dream, my family would be evacuating after a volcanic eruption (according to childhood me, Florida has volcanos), packed up in our car in a huge line of traffic slowly being engulfed in flames. One of my family members would always end up leaving the car for some reason, trying to return home for something left behind. This dream caused me to wake up in tears begging for said family member not to go.

In the second, I would be flying over a maze of hedges at night, somehow always ending up on a freight train watching the sunrise. The train would take me to the side of a house where I would enter through a window. Needless to say, my subconscious is weird as fuck and always has been.

People come and they go. Few will catch our eye and capture our attention with their brief presence. Merely a face among the many others that will eventually become nothing more than a moment in time, leaving on whatever terms it may. Every last one of them, helping mold us into the person we are and will become.

I just want to be happy. Everything I do is in an attempt to become a happier person but it all gets shot down. In the grand scheme of things, I’m an idiot for expecting a change in attitude because happiness is a mental state and my current mentality is fucked.

One thing that I really love about books is the temporary false sense of hope in life that they give me. That maybe, just maybe, there will be a time in my life where I will experience something story worthy and life changing and meaningful. Oh, and they smell nice.

This morning I decided to look up my numerology number, mostly because I heard the term in a song and wondered what it was. Anyway, I’ve never really been into this sort of thing but I’m a ten.

“Character traits: Ten signifies a personality that may be powerful and dominating. Tens may be intensely original, creative and individualistic. The make inspired as well as inspiring leaders who are pioneers in their field. Tens are highly efficient, determined and good at beginning new projects.

Negative tendencies: Tens can be rigid and stubborn especially when concerned with their own ideas. Some become jealous and the small details of life can cause depression.”

I’m not so sure about me being creative, dominate, highly efficient or an inspiring leader but a lot of other things I found about tens seemed kind of spot on.

For whatever reason I began writing a bucket list today

1. Hop a freight train
2. Visit each country (probably won’t happen due to me not being rich as fuck)
3. See the Aurora Borealis
4. Road trip down the west coast (or the entire country for that matter)
5. Live in a foreign country
6. Learn how to surf
7. Write a letter to myself to open ten years later
8. Help someone cross something off of their own bucket list
9. Go backpacking in Europe
10. Sneak into an event
11. Watch a sunrise and sunset in its entirety on a beach
12. Drive away without a destination
13. Master playing the piano
14. Own my own home with my own personal library
15. Spend the night in an aquarium
16. Sell a piece of artwork
17. Have a tattoo done by Thomas Hooper
18. Have a tattoo done by Maxime Buchi
19. Attend a music festival
20. Ride an elephant
21. Never stop adding to this list

It’s funny how when you are faced with something and want to avoid it and push it away, it’s everywhere you look and is mentioned constantly.

I feel like I’m stuck in this massive hole and every time I try to reach the top and free myself, I fall back down even deeper. Yeah, that’s an accurate analogy.

It’s a funny thing how you can want something so much even though you’ve convinced yourself that you won’t ever get it; and then out of nowhere you realize you might have it and you just get hit by a wave of fear because you don’t know how to deal with any of it.

I put ideas into my own head a lot. My thinking is so destructive and negative and I don’t understand why I let myself feel the way I do. It’s like I subconsciously enjoy wallowing in self pity.

It kind of sucks always being someone’s second choice. No matter how important someone tells me I am to them, there is always someone they would prefer to be with over me. Yeah, maybe that sounds a bit selfish but it really does hurt.

let me just turn my phone off real quick before i do something stupid like act on my feelings

I went a week without smoking and my mind literally feels so clear. I tried to make my feelings go away by getting high whenever I felt down and I’m not going to lie, it works. Smoking is an enormous relief for many people. The thing is, I was doing this multiple times every single day. You can’t push your feelings away for that long. Everything built up inside me and when I was sober, I literally felt like death. My point is that I need to stop using marijuana as self medication and go back to just smoking it recreationally. Abusing any substance, whether it’s good or bad for you, is a horrible idea, even when dealing with a non addictive drug.

People are always concerned about knowing oneself. I get it, I’ve been in the position where all I wanted to know was who I was and what I wanted to do and what I wanted to see and what I wanted to become. But honestly, I would much rather know others.

There are millions of people out there that are so interesting and complex and different. I want to know who you are and what you want to do and what you want to see what you want to become. I want to know the last thing you think about before going to sleep and the first thing you think about when you wake up. I want to hear your embarrassing stories. I want to hear about the best and worst times of your life. Your fears. Your aspirations. Your dreams. Hell, I even want to know little things like how you like your coffee.

Everyone goes through life looking through different eyes. I want to come as close as I can to knowing what it’s like to look out of yours.