Choking on a familiar rush of emotion,
accompanied by lingering cigarette smoke
after a poisonous five minute excursion.
Incoherent thoughts make me out to be a joke.
Stuttering and tripping in my mind
over words that slip so easily from others.
Requesting the ticks in my head be realigned
as I lay twisting beneath newly washed covers.
Unscented sheets won’t help me gain control,
a permanent smell leaves blankets unessential.
My cries for change are swallowed whole
and the ongoing hunger is detrimental.
Choking on a familiar rush of emotion,
What is it that keeps your eyelids from kissing
like separated lovers reunited at the day’s end?
A steady gleam in your eye off and reminiscing,
a foreign pain I only dream of being able to mend.
So many nights spent swallowing my pride,
fighting off the urge and cravings for your faith.
How could I with hands these weak ask you to confide
in someone so fearful of a sense of support you might misplace?
Like so many, I build walls to keep others from touching me. But I have since left them unattended to watch from a safe distance as the willing try to scale the heights. Hiding in plain sight, waiting for those clever enough to find me.
a miscalculated leap of faith
sent me spiraling down
a darkened tunnel filled with
charred throats and blackened lungs
You are a city of grain
and I am the oncoming waves.
Washing over with good intentions,
bringing nothing but feeble convections.
I spent so many days trying to pinpoint exactly what it is I see that makes me so hopelessly infatuated, but now I realize that I don’t want to know. I want to close my eyes and love blindly and foolishly. Too many faces have been easily dissected. I take a hold of what I find and falsely rearrange it into lies I can tell myself when it turns and walks away from me. This destructive nature of mine needs to reach it’s end.
Tell me why my eyes dance
in all the wrong directions
along with the beat of my nervous feet
whenever I so effortlessly
pick your face out of a crowd.
Tell me why my bones rattle
and my hands often shake
whenever I need their support most.
Tell me why my stomach knots up
while the lump grows fast in my throat
whenever I hear your name.
Tell me why everything I see
can relate back to you in a split second
without preconceived restraint.
Tell me why I feel sick an unnatural
for something that came so naturally.
I’m a creep, just another freak.
I never really noticed how much
you tied into every little thing
until the rope was cut.
I know I don’t stand very tall or full of pride, but let me assure you that the me you see towers above the me inside my head. I am a false giant, giving off an illusion of growth while shrinking within.
The sun has long been set
and still I wait for light to flee
the already dim lit room.
A rising pill count that is
so embarrassingly ironic.
The bullet housed on my
top shelf would swallow up
entire cities that claim to
never sleep and lull them
into a final slumber
as the waves,
cut into my
tongue like a
I realize now that on that night
when I first held you
close against my body with
your hand wrapped tightly in my own,
that it was merely a diagnosis of death
hidden in the unlit corners of my mind.
My organs have since turned to dust
and left the body I called home uninhabited.
This feeling, cancerous,
eating away at my cataract filled eyes
that kept me from seeing clearly.
Thoughts multiplying and spreading
through me faster than any cell.
There is no cure but time
and we all know what time brings.
Demise is upon me, literal or not.
I freely took full responsibility,
given forewarning even though it was too late.
Now I see that it is your mind all along
that breaks you down and spits you out.
We will meet our fate one way or another.
Blame will be placed on those
who bring it to our doorstep.
But I refuse to accuse anyone
of the destruction of my psyche
when I welcomed it past my walls.
Even the Roman empire fell to its knees,
a slow drawn out collapse from within,
so why should I deny my own?
My arms are open and ready
to embrace the road that lays ahead.
I will revel in my ruin.
It seems to me that
my chest is hollowing.
The thread holding me from
giving into foul temptations
is running thinner by the day.
Temptations that have
never so much as
crossed my mind
now seduce me.
does it feel good to
crack a person so easily
like the spine of a book?
To leave your mark?
To burn into a mind
and scar it like
fire does skin?
I fear that when
I reach the end of my thread,
these are the things
that will fill me with life.
life marked me as a leo
that struck me as a mistake
cracks scattered my body
courage would often leak
out onto unwelcoming floors
but when fear knocked on my door
and looked me straight in the eyes
it hurt to cower and run
things were not as easy
this time around
forgive me for not having
the bravery to say
what you deserved to hear
i promise that i spend
each and every second
locked away in my room
trying to mend these fractures
every ounce of pride i earn
is in your name
Burn me down
like an overgrown
forest at risk
of becoming ablaze.
Each tree an emotion
that has developed into
more than was intended.
Each branch a feeling
that has outdone itself.
Each leaf a thought
that sprouted when
it shouldn’t have.
So much clutter that
must be eradicated
in order for things
to start anew.